The Mum Guilt Phenomenon.

Something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is how difficult it is to separate myself from mum guilt. No matter how much I try, there always seems to be another reason to feel like I’m not doing enough.

I’ve spoken with other mums about this, and I’ve realised that it’s an ongoing battle that can show up in a variety of ways.

What first triggered this for me was during pregnancy. Is my body doing enough? Am I eating right? Am I moving enough? Will I be able to bring him into this world safely? Before you know it, you’ve entered the mum guilt phenomenon.

This isn’t to say that fathers don’t experience guilt too. However, I do believe women are more naturally tuned into this feeling. It’s almost like the nurturing instinct is heightened. And this can present itself in many ways. Intrusive thoughts, PND, postpartum depression, baby blues. The woman experiences chemical and hormonal changes after having a baby, and she is never quite the same person she was before motherhood. This could explain why many women become almost self-sacrificing. Part of us is biologically wired to do everything in our power to keep that little human safe.

I remember thinking that once we were out of the baby phase, I’d be able to relax a bit more. I thought I would overthink less because he would be less fragile. However, I can honestly say that hasn’t been the case. The mum guilt just takes on another shape, form, and identity. Now you’re feeling guilty for wanting to find your own shape, form, and identity.

Trying to balance being a mum and finding yourself again is an ongoing process, because we are growing with our children, alongside them. We influence them, and they influence us. Which brings me to another layer of mum guilt. I am responsible for how this little person turns out. Not wholly, but largely. And that is one of the greatest responsibilities you can have.

Suddenly you’re overthinking everything. Was my tone appropriate when I asked him to get dressed for the third time? Was I present enough today? Am I validating him enough? Am I holding space for his big emotions? Between the noise of social media and the pressure from society to get it right, I believe our generation has it the hardest when raising children. We are consciously reparenting ourselves while trying to raise emotionally aware children, something many of us did not receive ourselves.

I’m a big advocate for mums prioritising their self-care, but I’m under no illusion that this doesn’t also bring up guilt. Even for me, someone who has made it a priority to have a career focus, hobbies like the gym and writing, and time for self-care such as spa days and massages, I still question myself at times.

I had a conversation with a mum a few months ago. We were talking about our different situations. She is married with three children, and I am a single parent who co-parents with my son’s dad. I explained that on the weekends, that’s my time to do what I want and pour back into myself. She said, “I miss my kids when they are away from me for even a few hours.” At the time, I took that as judgement.

My mind went straight into defensive mode. Was she trying to say I don’t miss my son because I enjoy my weekends? Should I feel bad for wanting time away from parenting? Am I a bad mum in comparison?

I sat with that feeling for a while. I needed to work through what it brought up in me and approach it with curiosity. I spoke to my mum and a couple of my mum friends, and I came to one clear conclusion. Different experiences.

Yes, we were both mums in that conversation, but our circumstances were completely different. She had three relatively straightforward births and a husband to support her during the week. I had a traumatic birth, PND, a separation, and no one to lean on during the week. So for me, weekends became a way of coping, of reconnecting with myself, and preparing to show up again for another week of solo parenting.

That realisation helped me release the guilt and stop comparing myself to other mums. Because my story is different.

Mum guilt shows up in so many ways. I hear mums say they don’t feel like they’re doing enough when they’re doing everything. I hear mums say they feel guilty for wanting a night out with friends, for going back to work, for going on holiday without their children. Too much screen time, not enough vegetables, did I raise my voice. The list is endless.

The mum guilt phenomenon is something we can’t always control, because it’s ingrained in us. But what we can do is continue to show up for ourselves, challenge the idea that self-care is selfish, and learn to sit with the feeling rather than fight it.

It’s not about never feeling guilty. It’s about exploring it, understanding where it’s coming from, and showing ourselves more compassion as we move through it.