Trusting That the Good Stuff Sticks.

“We’ve all had bad days as parents. I’ve had some doozies, and you will too. All you can do as a parent is try to pack the days with as much good stuff as possible and hope it outweighs the bad. You hope that the good stuff sticks.”

I love this quote from the very popular series This Is Us, and the context in which it was expressed.

In the episode, Randall and Kate, who are non-biological brother and sister, revisit their old family home. They walk around the rooms reminiscing about memories from their childhood. However, what stands out quite significantly is that their experiences of a specific memory are completely different. Randall remembers that his dad lost his temper over something that triggered him, whereas Kate doesn’t remember that part at all. She only remembers the repair that came afterwards, when their father encouraged them to engage in a glitter fight. Her mind had intentionally chosen to forget the part where her father was shouting.

When I look at my own childhood, for a long time I was very much like Randall in this scene. I was replaying, and sometimes reliving, most of the bad things. There’s no sugar-coating it, my childhood consisted of significant trauma.

As a side note, I remember working in a school for a few years and hearing conversations about children with multiple ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences). I remember thinking to myself, I was that child.

But it wasn’t until well into my late thirties, after a significant amount of counselling alongside my counselling training, that I started to think more like Kate. Eventually, the good memories began to outweigh the bad. I’m very aware that this could only come through a significant amount of healing. Before that, I was replaying the trauma over and over again like a broken record. I was even carrying some of my mum’s trauma as if it were my own, when it wasn’t entirely my story to hold.

Once I gained some perspective and gave myself permission to heal parts of my childhood, I was able to find the joy amongst the pain. The good times weaved in and around the difficult ones. The memories of me, my mum, and my sister spending quality time together rather than the times I saw my mum as a victim of domestic violence. The times I chose to remember the laughter with my mum over the shouting. The times I chose to remember our days out together in Southend rather than the days when I wanted to run away from home.

This quote from This Is Us really woke something up in me, especially now that I’m a mother myself. It got me thinking about my son’s experiences of the good and bad so far in his life. Because, in all honesty, it hasn’t been completely smooth sailing.

He has already experienced the separation of his parents, which counts as one ACE. However, his experience won’t be a bingo card like mine was, because I’m working hard to make sure that the good stuff sticks. At the same time, I’m not oblivious to the fact that there will be some ‘doozies’ along the way, because that’s how life works.

This doesn’t come without the inevitable feeling of mum guilt, though. I’ve had to silence the voice in my head that tells me I’ve ruined my son’s life because of this ACE. The way I’ve reframed it is this: it’s better to have two healthy, happy parents who are apart than two parents who stay together in a toxic environment.

He now sees both of his parents able to be amicable and respectful towards one another, rather than living in an environment where the energy is heavy and negative.

This quote also makes me reflect on the other difficulties I’ve experienced that may have influenced my son’s own experiences. My challenging childbirth, my difficulties with breastfeeding, postpartum depression and PND, moving home with a baby, and the lack of a village. Even though my son was a baby at the time, these things would have inevitably affected him in some way.

And this is where the mum guilt can sit heavily.

Until I remind myself that I did the best I could with the tools I had.

Because even though there were incredibly hard moments, the beautiful moments have far outweighed them. The unconditional love I have poured into him. The positive affirmations I speak into him daily. The holidays and memories we’ve already created together. The imaginative games we play. The fact that my son and I eventually got our first home together.

My childhood experiences were influenced by my parents’ ability to do the best they could with the tools they had. This is why I’m so grateful for the self-awareness that has come from my growth over the years, because it has helped me focus on healing myself.

I’m very aware of the fact that although my son will have his own experiences and memories of life, throughout his childhood I am largely responsible for many of the good days and some of the bad ones too.

It’s up to me to forgive myself for the days when I was struggling, have lost my cool, or simply didn’t have it in me. Because those days will still exist going forward.

It’s about making sure that on the days when I am able to show up, I show up as fully as possible.

It’s not about being perfect.

It’s about trying to make sure that the good outweighs the bad, and trusting that the good stuff sticks.