Single mums and dating, it’s one of those topics that seems to make people uncomfortable, yet it affects so many of us.
I had a brief chat the other day with a friend who mentioned that single mums and dating isn’t something that’s spoken about enough. When I really thought about it, I realised it’s actually quite a taboo subject.
Firstly, there’s this stigma around single mums and dating. Single fathers are seen as the heroes. They’re more likely to be viewed as attractive to single women because, “Aww, look at him being such a great dad. He’ll definitely make a reliable and stable partner.”
Single mums, however, face a different judgment: “I wonder what’s wrong with her?”
“She must be single for a reason.”
I see so many posts online about how single men should stay away from single mothers because they’ve got “baggage” or “mental issues.” I actually had a man say that to me when I mentioned I was having therapy, something he clearly could have benefited from himself.
Modern Dating and the Single Mum Dilemma
It’s common knowledge that it’s much harder to meet people organically now, with the overwhelm of dating sites and swipe culture. For single women without children, it’s already slim pickings. So where does that leave the women who do have children?
I struggle when it comes to dating. Since becoming a mum, which triggered my therapy journey, I’ve come a long way in terms of what I will and won’t accept. My tolerance is low, and my standards are extremely high. I know what I deserve, and I know that the stakes are 100x higher.
I also understand unconditional love now, being a mother, and that is something incomparable. This is exactly what has made it harder for me to date which, personally, I see as a positive thing.
Loneliness and the Need for Connection
I’ve spoken to many other mothers who have one key thing in common: loneliness. For the single mums who co-parent and the single mums who don’t, there’s still that niggling feeling, a mourning of that family unit.
Yet, on the other hand, there’s also a yearning for human contact, connection, and the feeling of being wanted and desired. Something that’s not spoken about enough is that women have needs just as much as men do. We miss the intimacy and pleasure that comes with being with someone.
However, I feel a lot of single mums naturally have their guards up. There’s so much conflict to contend with: so many questions and so many judgments.
With everything we do, our children are always at the forefront of our minds. We can’t afford to risk another failed relationship when we have someone looking up to us.
So where does this leave single mothers when it comes to dating? To be honest, I’m still trying to figure that out myself.
I think it first depends on the motive for dating, is it dating for love, or dating for fun? Both are valid, but as single mums, we often feel like we’re not allowed to admit we want either.
There’s the opportunity for single mothers to explore dating when their children are with their fathers or caregivers, which keeps the two parts of life separate. This may be the only free time a single mother has to date, and it takes time to get to know someone and vet them before deciding to let them near your children.
It’s also an opportunity to get out and have some fun; if it doesn’t turn into anything serious, then at least they haven’t met the most important people in your life.
Choosing Wholeness Over Compromise
With all its complexities, I have very little desire to date right now. I must admit, I miss the rush and thrill of meeting someone new and the excitement that comes with dating.
However, after dipping my toe in the dating pool a couple of times, it was just another reminder of why I enjoy my own company so much.
There are times when I feel lonely, and I think about how life would look being with someone who fully accepts me and my son. I think that would be a beautiful thing.
I already know that I fall into the “dating for love” category, and I’ve long accepted that this path is about patience and not compromising on my standards. But for now, I’m more than happy to spend my free time on myself.
Redefining Strength and Deservingness
I hope that the stigma around single mothers and dating can change. Single mothers are some of the wisest, strongest, and most inspirational people you could ever meet.
I know this because I am one.
We are just as deserving of love and partnership as any other woman on this planet, if not more so, because we had the courage to step away from a relationship with someone with whom we share children.
That’s something that deserves recognition and admiration, not ridicule or judgment.
Whole, Not Half
Single mothers are single for a reason, usually not out of choice, but out of strength. Because they had to be.
We are single, yes, but we are whole. And that, to me, is the most beautiful foundation for any future love.
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