Parenthood didn’t just make me a mother.
It made me meet myself.
I’m two years from 40, a single mother to a toddler, and training to become a counsellor. Life feels radically different from my 20s and 30s, and yet, in many ways, I’m still learning the same lessons. Only now, I’m learning them through my son.
I wonder if wisdom really comes with age, or if other factors are at play. Could it be an innate change, where becoming a parent automatically makes you more self-aware? Or is it that training to be a counsellor has helped me gradually see myself and other people’s behaviours in a more complex way? Either way, it’s a bittersweet stage of my life.
Life now is extremely different from my 20s and 30s. Back then, I was stuck in a cycle, repeating negative patterns, extremely self-conscious, and very critical of myself. Somewhere along the way, something shifted. I do believe age has played a role, and another significant influence has been personal therapy. However, the biggest impact on my growth is, without a doubt, becoming a mother. Nothing can make you more resilient than that.
I am learning daily from my son. I’m learning to take life less seriously and to be present in the moment. The other day, we were on the bus, and I just grabbed him out of his buggy and carried him to the top deck. He had no idea the top deck even existed. Something so simple was like discovering another world. We sat together at the front, as if we were driving the bus, just like my sister and I would do when we were little. That simple moment took me straight back to a childhood memory, and I enjoyed it just as much as my son did.
My son is teaching me how to stop being such a people-pleaser. This one is massive. He knows what he likes and what he doesn’t, and I fully support that. I want to foster this quality in him as much as I can, which challenges me to do the same. For example, if something doesn’t sit right with me, I’m learning to say it, even if it makes someone uncomfortable. Because guess what? I’m not responsible for how other people feel. That’s their problem, not mine. I speak up more, not in a mean way, but with a diplomatic, assertive approach. I find that this earns me more respect.
Don’t cross my boundaries! If I don’t want someone in my life, they won’t be in it. If I don’t like the way someone treats me, I’ll speak up. If I don’t like the way someone treats my son, they’ll hear about it. If I don’t want to do something, it’s a no from me. Boundaries are essential for protecting our peace. Without peace, I’m irritable, and if I’m irritable, I’m not being my best self. I also have boundaries with my son. If I don’t feel like jumping on the trampoline one day, I say, “Mummy isn’t feeling it today.” He learns through my behaviour.
There shouldn’t be an expectation placed on mothers that they can do it all. I’ve had to learn the hard way that asking for help isn’t a form of failure, it’s a form of self-care. It’s also about loosening control and trusting that others want to help me. Once I shifted my mindset, it became much easier to do. Trying to do it all only sets me up to fail by placing unrealistic expectations on myself. The more relaxed, recharged, and secure I feel, the more my son benefits too.
There has been significant growth in the way I relate to people, especially in intimate relationships. Through therapy and training, I realised that I was stuck in a pattern of accepting connection based on availability rather than actively choosing partners. This was linked to early attachment experiences characterised by emotional inconsistency and a lack of safety. As a result, being chosen felt more regulating than exercising agency, and attention was unconsciously associated with security.
Now, I can be confidently clear about what I want, trusting that I don’t need to chase it. I’ve learnt to accept people as they are rather than feeling compelled to reassure, rescue, or over-explain in response to emotional unavailability. I’ve shifted from anxious attachment to being grounded in self-respect and emotional safety.
Perhaps wisdom doesn’t come with age alone, it comes with love, patience, and the courage to face yourself. In parenting my son, I’ve found a mirror for my own growth, and with every moment, I’m learning to parent the most important person in my life: me.
Parenting didn’t save me.
Awareness did.
Parenting simply opened the door.
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